Funy Jokes

:: Lawyer Jokes :: A STRANGE STORY A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" A ROMANTIC AT HEART A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’" "But why?" asks the man. "I’m a divorce lawyer." HOW LONG HAVE I GOT LEFT? A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way." THE SNAKE AND THE RABBIT A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!" A WEAKER ARGUMENT So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell. Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces--the engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered--wanted the challenge) and before long it was up and running again. This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it. Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven. God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details (it had been a computer error--the engineer had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven). So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back. "Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!" "What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!" "Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?" God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!" "Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

:: Animal Jokes :: T HOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS! A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" THE TALKING PARROTS A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!" THREE WISHES A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. "You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen." The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash. "My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?" Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!" The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!" THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE *A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer." A TRIP TO THE CINEMA A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying. This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!" "It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"

:: Bar Jokes ::

THE DRINKS ARE ON ME This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

DRUNK DRIVING One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

ONE SUNNY DAY IN IRELAND One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?" "I'm from Dublin" came the reply. "Me too! What street do you live on?" "McCarthy street" The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?" "162" the first man replies. "Me too! What are your parents names?" "Connor and Shannon" The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

FIRE ENGINE As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

:: Political Jokes ::

THE FACTS OF LIFE Boy: Dad, what's politics? Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son? Boy: I still don't understand dad. Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day... Son: Dad I understand politics now. Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son. Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

HILARY VISITS HOSPITAL Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her. Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?" The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on. A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation. "It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."

A TALE OF TWO PIGS Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President" Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

THE PUPPY TRADER Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?" The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off. Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?" The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir." "Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies." The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

ORDERING DINNER Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

:: Blonde Jokes ::

THE BLONDE TELEGRAM Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

THE GREAT BLONDE KIDNAP A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

AN OVERWEIGHT BLONDE An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

THE BLONDE, THE BRUNETTE, THE REDHEAD A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender: "What is a B and C?" Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"

THE JIGSAW PUZZLE A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

:: Relationship Jokes ::

A MAN MEETS A GENIE A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

THE VOICE A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

ON HONEYMOON A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex." This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want," He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

TEN YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

:: Cultural Jokes ::

AN ENGLISH/CHINESE INTERPRETOR English Chinese Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? An unauthorized execution Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching? He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

ONE IN THE EYE FOR BIGOTRY There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews," The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness." Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered. One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY! German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

:: Redneck Jokes ::

THE NATIONAL TRANSPORT SAFETY BOARD The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit". Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

IF BILL GATES WAS A REDNECK If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookiees are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Lea wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

THINGS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD A REDNECK SAYS I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? Damned if that politician ain't honest! We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. You can't feed that to the dog. Trim the fat off that steak. I just love the Opera Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Wrestling's fake.

BILLY BOB OUT WALKING! Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?" "Well Sheriff, it's a long story." "I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff. "Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

PROOF AT LAST If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

:: Computer & IT Jokes ::

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHATROOMS 1 You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before. 2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself. 3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited 4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body! 5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out. 6 Yes of course I'm female............... 7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend. 8 No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one? 9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop) 10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

BILL MEETS SATAN Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

MICROSOFT BUYS A LITTLE TIME In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998. "Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998." Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases. In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates." "Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?" Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. "If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.

WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES New error messages currently under consideration for the new Windows XP operating system... 1 Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2 Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 3 BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 4 Close your eyes and press escape three times. 5 File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 6 Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 7 Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 8 Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 9 Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10 Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

:: Desi Jokes ::

Green,Pink,Yellow An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!

Just Before I Die Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

Why Dog Watch Me Eat ? Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

BILLO & TILLO Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

PAKISTANIS ON MOON 3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani. They boast their country's science achievements. The Russian says: We were the 1st ones in space, the American says, we were the 1st to go to moon, The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun! Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani, you stupid the sun is too hot, your spaceship will burn b4 it reaches the sun. The Pakistan scientist remains cool and calm, and says: You are stupid. We will go there at night!!!

MUSLIMS There were two Christians Travelling on a plane. Sitting behind them was a Muslims. As they realized that a Muslims is Travelling with them. They started talking loudly with each other. James said to Tim. Tim where r u going, hopefully to Dubai. Tim said Nah There are too many Muslims, streets and roods are flooded with them. James smiles and said then u must be going to Iran. Tim said r u mad, Muslims in Iran are more fanatic and mad then Dubai. Muslim who was listening to them could not bear it and said hey u both go to hell, for sure there would be no Muslim.

CLEVER Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon? Pupil: Moon... Teacher : Why? Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.

GERMS Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called? Student: I don't know. Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called? Student: They r called Germs

:: Criminal Jokes :: TWO DUMB TRUCKERS While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4". "What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!" FLOORING THE FERRARI Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over. The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen" "Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed. "I thought you were trying to bring her back." THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER! A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling." WALKING THE BRICK Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there. The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!" The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly. When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?" DRUNK DRIVING STORIES Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

:: Sport Jokes :: A NEW SPORT? First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer. Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions? First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette? A PROBLEM FOR IRON MIKE One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?" "How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." "Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!" THREE BASKET BALL FANS Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive. The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area. The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it. However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time. As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap." AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television." WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend. "You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?" "Sure" Pat nods. "On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?" Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?" "OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?" Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question. Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel" Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?" "Definately" Mick replies. "Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer" "OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham." "You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again "Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing." As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!" The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole." :: Doctor Jokes :: THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER EXPECTANT A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" "No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up." PHYSICAL EXAMINATION A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!" BIRTH CONTROL PILLS! An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR? A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" AFTER EFFECTS "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" :: Stupid Jokes :: SILLY LITTLE PLAYS ON WORDS Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller? A: Elf raising flour. A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. "Tiny" replies the man. "Why's that?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" Q: What carries round a sack and bites people? A: Santa Jaws A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire. All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?" Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper? A: Seasoned troopers. Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!" "No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave." Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song? A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow! Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes? A: At a Jungle Sale! First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian? Second Man: How? First Man: Told you I could. Q: Why is perfume so obedient? A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes. ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL Q: What kind of cats love the water? A: Octo-Pussies. Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx. Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food? A: Prickled onions. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A: A zebra with a drumkit. Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell garage. Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs? A: The Maggots, they went in an apple. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chickens day off. Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A: Hot cross bunnies. Q: What do you give a sick pig? A: Oinkment! WORLD'S GREATEST IDIOTS Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides. An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep." Q: How do you confuse an idiot? A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick. Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'? He did a lap of Honour! Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer? He fell in the sink! :: Education Jokes :: A QUICK SPELLING TEST The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it. George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e." The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen. Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e." "Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either." Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e." "Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?" Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow," "OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen." Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?" FUN! FUN! FUN! A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry." Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!" A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair. "Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up." "I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers." ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM? "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest." The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?" To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say." After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then." The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that." :: Transportation Jokes :: AIR LINE PILOT An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first." MOTORWAY BREAK DOWN A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!" THREE MEN ON A PLANE Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade. After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!" They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing. They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!" THE IMPORTED SPORTS CAR The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car. Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat. Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling. He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter. Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again." "So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..." RIDING HIS BIKE There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how? "No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride." The man says, "Ok!" They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright . Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street." "What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!" :: Insulting Jokes :: INSULTING FAMOUS FOLK He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. Victor Borge talking about Mozart Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way? Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. Groucho Marx "Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear." Mick Ronson Here lies my wife: here let her lie ! Now she's at rest and so am I John Dryden on his wife "If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting." Herman J. Mankiewicz "He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats." Roger Gellert on John Cleese "A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs." Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante "The biggest no-talent I ever worked with." Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly "The stupid person's idea of a clever person." Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley "It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before." Charivari on Claude Monet POLITICAL INSULTS "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel "An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf." Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle "I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate." Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton "He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon" General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln "MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat." Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur "A triumph of the embalmers art" Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan "If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday." H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt "I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice." Steve Martin "The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin." Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born" Ronald Reagan "Attila the Hen" Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange" Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan APPEARENCE CAN BE FUN Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident? Don Rickles "Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone." John Cooper Clarke He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard. Anon "She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly." Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her. Anon Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? Don Rickles When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs. Anon I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly. Anon Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday. Anon See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. Anon Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? Anon Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Anon Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! Anon I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! Anon :: Work Jokes :: THE YOUNG BUSINESS MAN A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." NEW SECRETARY Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed! APPLIED MATHEMATICS The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day! AT JOB INTERVIEW One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second" So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking" A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"! :: Kids Jokes :: A FEW QUICK CRAZY NAMES 1 Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head? A: Mandy Lifeboats! 2 Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker? A: Beatrix Potter! 3 Q: What do you call a lion with toothache? A: Rory! 4 Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head? A: Laurie! 5 Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head? A: Pete! 6 Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows? A: Phantom of the Oprah! 7 Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get? A: Kung Flu! 8 Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink? A: Bob! 9 Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword? A: A Mouseketeer! 10 Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer? A: Claude Bottom! OWL AND THE PUSSY CAT The owl and the pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge `cos her gameboy was driving him mad. THE STRING IN THE TAIL Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout. After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?" The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot". AN IRISHMAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN..... Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground. So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground. Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground. Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch. "How did you do that?" asked the Irishman. The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!" THE QUESTIONS FOR INQUIRING MINDS 1 Q: Why did the King go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned. 2 Q: What do you call a three legged donkey? A: A wonkey. 3 Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! 4 Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk. 5 Q: why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools. 6 Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A: A zebra caught in a revolving door. 7 Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema? A: Pup-corn! 8 Q: What's a snakes favourite subject in class? A: Hissssstory. 9 Q: Why do monkeys have big noses? A: Because they've got big fingers. 10 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: a bulldozer! :: Joke Of The Month :: JOKE OF THE MONTH Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant. “I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger. "Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."